BAD RELATIONSHIPS AND DEPRESSION

Even though so much research is dedicated to promoting chemical imbalances as the cause of depression, some research efforts still support the logical link between your actual life and your mood.
Analyzing data from nearly 5000 participants, with a follow up at 10 years, researchers have scientifically established what most people know intuitively. If your relationships are bad, your mood is likely to follow.
New information coming out of the University of Michigan makes the link.  "Study shows that the quality of social relationships is a significant risk factor for major depression," says psychiatrist Alan Teo, MD, of the University of Michigan. “This is the first time that a study has identified this link in the general population.”
Relationship strain, feelings of isolation in relationships, a lack of support and other issues among spouses, families and friends contribute to depression. It isn’t the quantity of relationships that is important, according to the research, but the quality.

The quality of your relationships is a determining factor in your mental health

“The magnitude of these results is similar to the well-established relationship between biological risk factors and cardiovascular disease,” Teo says. “What that means is that if we can teach people how to improve the quality of their relationships, we may be able to prevent or reduce the devastating effects of clinical depression.”
What can you do to improve the quality of your relationships and increase your mood? Here are some ideas:

Forget your mood and focus on your relationships

Which are the most important relationships in your life? What is wonderful about them? What is missing? What steps can you take to improve them, beyond passively wishing that other people will magically change?

Learn real relationship skills

Do you know how to take another person’s perspective? Do you understand how to look at a relationship from a neutral perspective? Do you know your preferred way to receive love? Do you know your partner’s? Do you know how to mediate a conflict when you are in the midst of one?
Most of us do not have great intuition about these things. Most often, we assume other people should give love in the precise manner that we like to receive it. Most people assume that they should defend themselves with solid information when attacked. Most people assume the words they say are the most important aspects of the relationship. These assumptions are all dead wrong, even damaging to relationships.

Beware of self-sabotage in relationships

The number one destroyer of relationships, in my experience working with people, is self-sabotage.
Beyond pure relating skills, self-sabotage is the number one issue in relationships. Most sabotage is done unconsciously, which is why it is imperative to expand your awareness? Do you unwittingly sabotage your relationships? Here are just a few signs that you do:
1. You don’t express your needs
2. You take on more than your fair share of the burden
3. You resist accountability to your partner
4. You act like a child that needs supervision
5. You annoy your partner and encourage rejection
There are hundreds of signs that you are sabotaging your relationship, most of them leading to feelings of being controlled, deprived or rejected.

THREE REALITIES YOU MUST ACCEPT IN HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

There are certain realities we all need to accept in romantic relationships.
If we do not understand and accept these, then we will have a shallow, unhealthy relationships that make us miserable.
Are you ready to hear them? Here we go! I will speak boldly because I know the following applies to me as well…

1. Your partner has a different perspective that is valid.

How much time and energy do you spend trying to convince your partner that you are right? Most people in relationships are engaged in a power struggle over who is right and who is wrong. During this power struggle, true understanding and connection is lost.
Would you rather be right or be connected to your partner? Would you rather win a fight or be happy together?
Giving up the right/wrong and win/lose paradigm is a step toward a mature and healthy connection.

2. You are not entitled to everything you want.

You’ve made a conscious choice to live with another human being. This human being is a separate person with separate desires. Sometimes your partner’s desires do not match yours.
To remain connected in a healthy way, you will need to honor your partner’s desires a good deal of the time. Are you mature enough to make the sacrifice, or do you think you are entitled to have everything you want? Are you OK with your partner making sacrifices, yet do not expect yourself to make any?
What’s more important, getting what you want all the time, or being happy with the person you love?

3. Your partner is not your parent.

Your partner is not required to put up with your foul moods, bad habits, gross jokes, laziness or even your inner child, for that matter.
So many of us expect our romantic partners to care for us as a parent. Actually, some people require the kind of “unconditional” acceptance that even parents don’t offer. Nothing kills romance faster than this expectation.
“But if she loves me unconditionally, then she should accept whatever mood I am in, shouldn’t she?”
No. She loves you, but didn’t sign on to be more accepting than your mother. Your partner expects and deserves to be in a relationship with the adult you, the one who is capable of emotional maturity, respect and reciprocity. Anything less than this is heading down the road to misery.
Refusing to acknowledge and work with these three realities sets couples up for failure. The best-case scenario occurs when both parties understand them and work toward honoring them.
Many adults in relationships understand these concept intellectually, yet sabotage the relationship anyway. Self-sabotage in relationships may be the number one cause of break ups.

HOW TO UNDERSTAND ANOTHER PERSON.

Understanding others is basic to healthy relationships, yet misunderstanding and disconnection from others are the norm.
We need to learn how to understand another person, specifically.
This simple user’s guide has potential to transform your relationships if you apply it.
Learning how to understand people involves three simple steps. Here they are:

1. Listen without preparing a response.

Understanding people is different than making conversation.
During conversation, you typically formulate a response while the other person is talking. This communication multitasking is helpful to keep a dialogue going.
As you know, the multitasking can also get in the way of true understanding, as you are likely to focus more on your response than on what the other is saying.
To understand someone more deeply, simply listen without worrying about how you are going to respond. Give them the stage. Take it in. This kind of listening is the key first step to understanding another person.

2. Put yourself in second position.

 Second position is the perceptual position of the other person. As you listen, begin to imagine what it is like to be the other person. What is she feeling? What must it be like to be her? What is it like to approach life from her position, as you imagine it?
Second position is the source of empathy. The saying goes, “you can’t understand others until you have walked a mile in their shoes.”
Taking second position, based on your listening without preparing a response, gives you an idea of what it is like to be the other person – a huge step toward understanding.

3. Ask intentional questions.

After listening properly and putting yourself in second position, you can clarify and deepen your understanding by asking intentional questions.
Here are some options for asking intentional questions:
To understand another’s internal experience, ask: What do you see in your mind’s eye? What are you feeling? What do you hear inside your mind?
To understand someone’s beliefs ask: Why? Why is this the case? Why did you do it? Why is that important to you?
To understand the details of someone’s context ask: Who? What? When? Where?

Most of all, ask questions that come from genuine curiosity after listening and putting yourself in second position.
Cycle through this process until you understand.
The three steps to understanding another person can be recycled many times. Each time you cycle through them, your level of understanding will deepen.

A personal challenge for you.

You have the power to change someone’s life with these tools. Who in your life needs to be understood by you?  We are all craving deeper understanding. Can you imagine the powerful gift you have to offer the people in your life by understanding them more fully?
Choose one person in your life and commit to understanding him or her more deeply. It will take your relationship to a whole new level.